ACT 1

 

Scene 4

 

(Lights come up in the ranch house. GLORY wears a pair of yellow kitchen gloves and cleans. She finishes wiping down the table, then removes the gloves to place the table settings back in place. She moves on to clean elsewhere. MARIE enters and sees the gloves.)

 

MARIE

How are we doin’ in here? Oh. Now sweetie, I gave you these gloves, I want you to use’em. How are you gonna catch yerself one of those millionaires for a husband with calluses on yer hands? 

 

GLORY

Sure. Thank you. So what do you think? Pretty clean, right?

 

MARIE

Hmm. Well, I did want to bring attention to the rug.

 

GLORY

Oh. Yah. It’s lovely. Really fits into the whole theme-

 

MARIE

Do you notice somethin’ wrong about it?

 

GLORY

Uhm. No. It looks real nice.

 

MARIE

(a corner of the rug is folded up on top of itself. MARIE eyes it and whispers.)

The corner.

 

GLORY

Oh. Ok.

 

(GLORY sees it, considers it for a second, then crosses and kicks the corner down flat.)

 

MARIE

(exhaling with relief)

Thank goodness. Now, I want you to level with me. Did you clean the table?

 

GLORY

Oh yah. Wiped it down, like, real heavy duty.

 

MARIE

I just knew you had. I could tell right away. See here? What even is happening with the salt here? The salt shaker is supposed to be turned, like so, just this side of center, facing the head of the table, and our pepper makes a pretty little mirror image, facing the opposite way, just the other side of center. Now, let’s talk about chairs, because these things are an absolute disaster. They’re just tossed in here willy-nilly. 

(clapping at GLORY)

Listen up dear. Each chair has to be set an equal distance from the corner of the table, and from one another. Now do these look symmetrically placed to you?

 

GLORY

No?

 

MARIE

(As she scoots a chair over an inch or two.)

No, they do not.

 

GLORY

Mrs. Calhoun, I’m real sorry. I guess I didn’t understand-

 

MARIE

Oh, honey lamb, I don’t want you to beat yourself up too bad. You are still a little baby and just have so much to learn. But, I’m here to tell you, from one woman to another, the first thing that you need to know is that everything on God’s green earth has a place and one place only, and it is to remain in that place...without exception. And do you know why? Because, once things get out of their natural order, that’s when the trouble starts, and the whole world goes to hell in a handbasket. That’s when people start gettin’ hurt.

 

(ROY busts in from outside. OTTER follows, gripping his arm. BILL comes after.)

 

ROY

Marie! We got another one! Get the kit, Bill.

(handing the cattle prod to MARIE)

Put the cattle prod up.

(To OTTER)

Sit here, boy.

 

MARIE

My stars. Already?

 

OTTER

Dude. This sucks.

 

GLORY

Oh my god! What’s going on?

 

OTTER

Why man?

 

ROY

Bill! The kit.

 

MARIE

(clapping at BILL)

The kit Bill. Bring the kit.

 

OTTER

Why does this always happen to me?

 

GLORY

But, what’s going on though?!

 

ROY

Boy genius here decided to go and get himself bit.

 

MARIE

No, Bill. The other one.

 

GLORY

Bit? Bit by what?

 

ROY

Rattlesnake. Diamondback.

 

GLORY

WHAT!?

 

OTTER

(OTTER shows his forearm. It has a bite wound with a small stream of blood coming from each hole.)

See?

 

GLORY

(Turning away, nauseous.)

Oh god. Don’t...

 

OTTER

Oh! Sorry, Glory! Jeez!

 

MARIE

Well, what’s the matter with her?

 

OTTER

She has this phobia about blood. Any kind of open wound, really. She gets nauseous and her head starts-

 

GLORY

Is he going to be okay? Like, he’s not going to die, right?

 

MARIE

Oh, sweetie pie, don’t get your knickers twisted. We got the whole kit and kaboodle for this situation. A little shot of anti-venom, and he’ll be right as rain.

 

ROY

Bill! What’re you takin’ a nap over there? Where’s the kit?

 

GLORY

But if you didn’t have the anti-venom, what would happen?

 

MARIE

Oh, he might survive. He’d get the shootin’ pains, real intense like, his heart would start missin’ beats, and then he’d be gaspin’ for air, until he just stopped breathin’ and died. Maybe.

 

ROY

(taking the anti-venom from BILL)

Gimme that, you idiot. And get back to the workshop.

(BILL exits)

 

GLORY

Holy crap! I'm going to throw up.

 

MARIE

Oh, he might do that too.

 

ROY

(As he draws the anti-venom from a bottle into a syringe.)

You scared of shots, boy? You sure you want this?

 

OTTER

Oh yah, totally. I’m ready. Fire away!

​

ROY

What’ll you trade me for it?

​

OTTER

Uh...What?

​

ROY

You want me to give you this anti-venom; what’ll you give me?

​

OTTER

I don’t understand.

​

ROY

(enjoying himself)

What’s it worth to ya?

​

GLORY

Hey, stop screwing around! Just give him the shot already!

​

ROY

Would you trade me Glory for it?

​

OTTER

Say what!? 

​

ROY

You get the shot. I get Glory. We got a deal?

​

OTTER

Of course not!

​

ROY

C’mon boy, you’re gettin’ a bargain! Let’s trade.

​

OTTER

I’m not trading Glory! What does that even mean?!

​

GLORY

Yes, OK! He would! He’d sign on the dotted line, in blood, or whatever. Just give him the shot already!

 

OTTER

No! I wouldn’t! No freaking way!

​

ROY

Time’s up! What’s it gonna be?

​

GLORY

Give him the shot!

​

OTTER

Forget that! I don’t want it!

​

GLORY

Yes you do!

​

OTTER

No I don’t!

​

ROY

You for sure about that?

​

OTTER

YES!

​

GLORY

NO!

​

ROY

(In OTTER’s face)

Have it your way, then!

(ROY pauses, grinning sadistically, and then jams the needle in roughly.)

​

OTTER

OWW! Hey!

​

ROY

(Laughing)

I was just joshin’ ya. Dang, kids, can’t you take a little harmless ribbin’?

​

MARIE

Roy Calhoun, you are such a cut-up. Isn’t he just the funniest?

​

GLORY

Yeah, sure. Ha ha ha.

​

OTTER

Is that it? Whoa...That was sort of intense, now that I think about it.

​

GLORY

Oh my god, how do you feel, Love? 

​

OTTER

Let me see. My arm hurts, like, insanely bad, and I have this weird metallic taste in my mouth. But, otherwise, I feel totally badass. Plus I get this wicked cool scar. I should get a tattoo to, like, memorialize the event.

​

GLORY

Is that normal? Should he be experiencing those things? Like, should he be scared of anything?

​

ROY

Oh, you want something to be scared about?

​

MARIE

Oh hush, ya big galoot. You don’t even need to bother your little head about it, darling. You just let me do all the worryin’ for ya. You two are in capable hands, and you can rest easy; we know exactly what we’re doin’.

​

GLORY

Really? What are you doing?

​

MARIE

We are taking care of you two.

​

GLORY

(diplomatically)

Ok...That’s very comforting, and, you know, we’re super grateful for all your hospitality. But we have a long way to go, and I think it’s time for us to leave.

​

ROY

What’re you talkin’ about? You can’t leave.

​

MARIE

That’s right. We got all kind of plans for you. We’re havin’ steaks for dinner, and homemade ice cream for after.

​

GLORY

Oh, you crazy Calhouns, you’re so welcoming it’s almost scary. But seriously though, we are ready to go. Right now. It’s time for you to drive us back to the highway.

​

MARIE

Honey, it’s gonna be sundown in just an hour. This ain’t no time to go runnin’ off. You can’t be serious?

​

GLORY

Well, I am. In fact, I insist. Take us back...immediately.

​

(MARIE and ROY share a look for a long silent beat.)

​

ROY

Sounds to me like the little girl has her mind set about it. 

​

MARIE

I suppose she does.

​

ROY

I guess it’s time to settle up then. Why don’t you fetch the ledger, Marie. We’ll square up right now.

​

MARIE

(Retrieving a large red ledger book from the shelves, and an accounting calculator.)

Is it that time already? Heaven’s sake. And they just got here.

​

GLORY

Thank you. And I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s a long way to California.

​

ROY

You don’t need to explain anything to me. Wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference, no how.

​

(MARIE slaps her accounting gear on the table, and proceeds to crunch numbers with the calculator and fill in the ledger with a black pen, followed by a red one.)

​

MARIE

Alright then, let’s add everything up, shall we? Mr. Otter worked eight and a half hours as a ranch hand, that’s an hourly of four fifty, total of thirty-eight, twenty-five. And Glory worked eight and half as domestic help, that’s three dollar an hour work but Uncle Sam says we got to pay a minimum of three thirty-five. So, that comes to twenty-eight, fifty, rounding up for charity. All together we owe you sixty-six, seventy-five. 

​

OTTER

Alright. Not bad.

​

MARIE

Now then, y’all slept last night in the guest cottage, that’s one night’s board at fifteen dollars, two seventy-five for breakfast, three for lunch, and, of course, gas and mileage from the highway to here at thirty cents a mile, for twenty-two miles, comes to six-sixty, oh, and a dollar fifty for milk and cookies. Altogether, twenty-eight ten, taken out of sixty-six, seventy-five leaves you with thirty-eight, sixty-five.

​

GLORY

You know what? Fine. Thank you. That’s very generous.

​

OTTER

I mean, is it, though?

​

MARIE

However...Mr. Otter also went and got himself a little boo-boo, and needed a shot of anti-venom. So the thing is, one dose of anti-venom retails for three thousand, one-hundred and thirty-two dollars, but since we provide snake venom to the manufacturers, they return doses of anti-venom to us at a discounted price, which we have the privilege of passing on to you, dears, with a modest margin, at a cost of two thousand, eight hundred and twenty dollars. So, we subtract thirty-eight, sixty-five from that, and it looks like that leaves you two in debt to us for...two thousand, seven hundred, eighty-one dollars...and thirty-five cents.

​

(A pregnant pause ensues, as GLORY and OTTER stare in disbelief.)

​

ROY

(Guffawing)

Hell’s bells, kids! You two look like somebody just shot yer dog. I’m gettin’ depressed just lookin’ at ya. Listen, I know it sounds like a big chunk o’ change, but moping ain’t gonna make it go away. All you can do is put yer heads down, and bust yer butts. Assholes and elbows, kids, and you’ll have it worked off in no time.

​

MARIE

Ain’t that God’s honest truth. The Lord helps those that help themselves. Y’all just press your noses to the grindstone, and you’ll go from the red to the black in nothin’ flat. And earn a little extra for gas money, too, so’s I can drive you back to the highway. Now, let’s get y’all a hearty dinner, and an early bedtime. You’re gonna need your strength.

​

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SCENE)