MARY
AAAAHHH! YEEESS! TIME TO PARTY!
(MARY leads a charge around the room of handshakes, hellos, and introductions. Everyone speaks over everyone else in a chaos of motion and noise. MARY ends the action barking like a drill sergeant.)
MARY
RIGHT! NOW SEPARATE!
​
(The boys move to one side of the room, the girls to the other, all murmuring. Dialogue comes fast and furious.)
​
JERSEY
HOLY SMOKES! There’s a French one!
​
MARY
GOR! There’s a cowboy!
​
STILLWATER
That loud one’s a real rootin’ tooter!
​
JERSEY
ONE OF ’EM IS FRENCH!
​
LULU
The sailor seems very nice, does he not?
​
JANE
I have surveys.
​
GARBO
Finally my grande triomphe is at hand.
​
JERSEY
THERE’S A FRENCH ONE, STILLWATER!
​
SKATCH
Who are these people?
​
LULU
What do we do now?
​
MARY
It’s agreed then, the cowboy is mine.
​
STILLWATER
Imma go talk to that loud one.
​
MOUSEHOLE
Do not forget our arrangement, cowboy.
​
JERSEY
WHAT DO I DO, STILLWATER? WHAT DO I DO?!
​
LULU
Do I approach him, or does he approach me?
​
JANE
Hand him a survey.
​
STILLWATER
Just go over there and shoot the breeze.
​
MOUSEHOLE
Yes, let her know that you’re interested.
​
SKATCH
Interested in what, eh?
​
GARBO
But not too interested.
​
MARY
Get it together ladies.
​
JERSEY
Right. Gotta look interested-
​
LULU
-and disinterested.
​
MARY
Cinch up your girdles, and-
​
STILLWATER
Let’s get this rodeo started!
​
LULU
Interested-
​
JERSEY
-and disinterested.
​
LULU and JERSEY
-at the same time.
​
MARY
NOW PAIR OFF!
​
(Murmuring from ALL as everyone couples off in a different pocket of the room: LULU with JERSEY, GARBO with MOUSEHOLE, MARY with STILLWATER, and JANE with SKATCH. Lights out except for a special on LULU and JERSEY. Throughout the following action the stage will be dark except for a single light illuminating whichever couple is speaking. When one couple finishes speaking the light on them will go dark; simultaneously a light will illuminate the next couple. These vignettes should be rapid fire, with no dead air between them, except for awkward pauses between JERSEY and LULU.)
​
JERSEY
(trying to act cool)
Hi there.
​
LULU
(also trying to act cool)
Hallo.
(a long pause before the lights switch to a different couple, as they both do their best to pose with cool indifference.)
​
MARY
Howdy Cowboy.
​
STILLWATER
Howdy yourself, ma’am. You got a helluva grip doncha?
​
MARY
Yeah, sure. That how they do it in Texas, right?
​
STILLWATER
I ain’t from Texas.
​
MARY
So you wanna snog then?
​
GARBO
Lord Muzzle.
​
MOUSEHOLE
Lady Garboldisham.
​
GARBO
Lovely evening.
​
MOUSEHOLE
Is it?
​
GARBO
Isn’t it?
(GARBO affects a thoroughly fake laugh)
​
SKATCH
(Accepting a survey from JANE)
Oh sure. I love a survey, doncha know.
​
JANE
Yes, I have many surveys.
​
SKATCH
That’s super. And you’re American too, eh?
​
JANE
Yes. I am American. I live at One Two Three Main Street, New York City, America...You are Canadian?
​
SKATCH
Well, ya see, the thing about that is my father was Canadian, sure enough. But my mother, on the other hand, my mother was also Canadian.
​
JERSEY
(After a beat JERSEY breaks the silence.)
You’re french!
​
LULU
Oui! I am! My apologies. I’m so sorry. I’m so very, very sorry! I hope you don’t mind.
​
JERSEY
Uhh...I don’t mind. Why would I mind? I think it’s interesting!
​
LULU
You do!? You find it interesting!?
​
JERSEY
Yeah, I’m VERY interested!..But, uh, you know, also, I am disinterested.
​
LULU
Oui, oui. That is interesting, because I am also disinterested!
​
JERSEY
That’s interesting.
​
LULU
And also disinteresting.
​
MARY
I always wanted to snog a cowboy, right. Cowboy from Texas!
​
STILLWATER
Hold up now. Hold yer horses. I’m an Okie.
​
MARY
Awwww. I’m sorry. That happen to you in combat then, did it? But you’re all recovered, yeah? Everything’s fully operational?
​
STILLWATER
Say what?
​
MARY
You’re recovered from your Okie?
​
STILLWATER
Nah, nah. Okie means I’m from Oklahoma.
​
MARY
Riiiiiggght. Oklahoma. Yeah I heard of that. It’s that one part of Texas, innit?
​
JERSEY
Soooo, are you interested in having a seat?
​
LULU
I am interested!...and disinterested.
​
JERSEY
Yeah. yeah. Me too. I am also simultaneously interested and disinterested.
(LULU starts to sit, JERSEY follows suit, LULU aborts, JERSEY follows suit, LULU moves to sit again, the whole process repeats. Lights out as they still haven’t managed to sit.)
​
GARBO
You did choose rather a quaint setting didn’t you?
​
MOUSEHOLE
Did I?
​
GARBO
Exceedingly quaint.
​
MOUSEHOLE
Indeed?
​
GARBO
I chose a Dior especially for the occasion.
​
MOUSEHOLE
Did you?
​
GARBO
And...I think you look acceptably dashing tonight.
​
MOUSEHOLE
Do I?
​
GARBO
Yes...I’m sure we’re both quite anxious to “get on with it”.
​
MOUSEHOLE
Are we?
​
GARBO
(Laughs an even faker laugh than before.)
Ha ha ha! Oh, but you are too droll, Muzzle!
​
SKATCH
(handing a survey back to JANE)
Here ya go, eh.
​
JANE
(handing another survey to SKATCH)
Thank you, have another.
​
SKATCH
Oh sure, this sure is fun alright.
​
JANE
Yes. Fun.
​
SKATCH
I find your childlike curiosity charming, and in no way whatsoever suspicious.
​
JANE
That is good.
​
SKATCH
You sure do have lots of questions about the Allied codes, eh?
(Lights up on JERSEY and LULU. They are still failing to sit, even more intensely than before. Lights down as they still haven’t sat.)
GARBO
(sits in the designated chair with great flair)
The time has come, Muzzle. I am ready whenever you are.
MOUSEHOLE
For what?
GARBO
Oh! Muzzle! Hahahahaha.
MOUSEHOLE
Ugggh. Pardon me just a tick, won’t you?
(walks out of the light. GARBO is confused. Lights down. Lights up on MARY)
MARY
Nah. I’m sure of it. Oklahoma, yeah, it’s that part of Texas right near the Alamo, innit?
STILLWATER
I’m not from Texas!
(MOUSEHOLE enters into their light)
MOUSEHOLE
Pardon me, cowboy, I need to introduce you to someone.
(to MARY)
Excuse us, won’t you?
(MOUSEHOLE and STILLWATER walk off)
MARY
Hold up, what’s the idea? Oy! We were just hittin’ it off!
SKATCH
Locations of secret bases?! Oh good! I know a bunch of these!
MOUSEHOLE
Garboldisham, allow me to introduce you to an acquaintance of mine. Stillwater here is a cowboy from Texas.
STILLWATER
Dadgummit!
MOUSEHOLE
He’s going to be your date for the evening. Do show him a jolly good time won’t you?
GARBO
But...but...but, Muzzle...
MOUSEHOLE
I know you would never deny a young soldier his dying wish.
STILLWATER
Dying?
GARBO
Oh my!
MOUSEHOLE
(exitting toward MARY)
That’s a good girl. Enjoy yourselves.
GARBO
Well, of all the-
STILLWATER
(With a big smile)
Hey there! What’s shakin’!?
GARBO
Nothing is shaking, thank you very much.
(Lights up on JERSEY and LULU. They are looking at each other, butts hovering over the sofa. Finally they sit simultaneously, pause then exhale a pained sigh.)
MOUSEHOLE
I’m sorry, darling, but...
MARY
But! But?! But what happened to the cowboy!?
MOUSEHOLE
He is required elsewhere. You wouldn’t deny the Countess her dying wish would you?
MARY
Dying?
MOUSEHOLE
Indeed. It seems you’re stuck with me for the evening.
MARY
Ugghh, noooo. You!?
MOUSEHOLE
Yes. Me. Is that a bother?
MARY
But you’re a toff, right? A masher! A dandy! An upper-cruster! A toffee-nosed, chinless, Kensington Place, truffle sniffer!
MOUSEHOLE
Yes. So I am.
MARY
Uggggghhhhh. Fine! Right. Anyway...wanna snog?
SKATCH
Manhattan project? I can’t say I know much about that...except where it’s located, what they’re working on, and who’s in charge.
GARBO
(offers him her card)
Here you are.
STILLWATER
What’s this? The Countess Garb. Old. Is. Ham.
GARBO
(pronounced Garble-shum)
Garboldisham.
STILLWATER
Garsh-Eee-boldy.
GARBO
Garboldisham.
STILLWATER
Garba-bushy.
GARBO
Garboldisham.
STILLWATER
Gargles-a-puss.
LULU
(after an awkward beat)
Are you interested in...talking?
JERSEY
YES!!! I AM!!! uhhhh...You know, sometimes.......I was going to talk earlier. But...then I didn’t.
LULU
Oui, myself as well. I also did not talk earlier.
JERSEY
Yeah, but, I only didn’t talk because, you know, I’m so experienced at talking...to girls. The maestro of romance, they call me, yeah, the sheik of, uh, Casanovas.
LULU
(completely believing him, nodding along)
Oh! I see. Tres bon!
JERSEY
Yeah, yeah. So, if I’m not talking, it’s only because I’m such a cool operator, you know, a smooooooth cucumber.
LULU
Oh la la.
JERSEY
Good at talking...Maestro of talking...lot’s of things to say...
(JERSEY trails off into awkward silence)
MARY
Right. So? We gonna snog or what?
MOUSEHOLE
Doesn’t seem likely.
MARY
C’mon! Why not?!
MOUSEHOLE
Has any man ever told you, my dear, that you may be the most vulgar human being on the face of earth?
MARY
Any man calls me vulgar...I’ll PUNCH’EM IN THE TEETH!!!
MOUSEHOLE
How appropriate. Shall we head to the bar?
MARY
Head to the bar? HA! Does Hitler have one bollock?
MOUSEHOLE
I haven’t examined the man. After you.
(STILLWATER and GARBO speak simultaneously with increasing tempo, to a crescendo of nonsense.)
STILLWATER GARBO
Garbledy-showble- Garboldisham-
​
STILLWATER GARBO
Garbles-buh-garble- Garboldisham-
​
STILLWATER GARBO
Garble Barble Garble- Garboldisham-
​
STILLWATER GARBO
Garble-buh-garble-buh- Garboldisham-
​
STILLWATER GARBO
Garble garble garble- GARBOLDISHAM!
​
STILLWATER
(breaking out of the confusion)
Boy! HA HA HA! I’m garblin’ it alright! Listen, Imma just call ya Garbo, how’s that?
GARBO
That really is not necessary.
STILLWATER
Naw. It don’t hurt my feelin’s none.
GARBO
It’s nothing to do with your feelings, my good man. It simply is not refined.
STILLWATER
Sure. Refined. Don’t get yer knickers tween yer biscuits! I can be refined! Hey! You ever seen a million dollar wound?! Take a look at this!
(lights down as STILLWATER stands and reaches for his belt. Lights up on LULU and JERSEY. They don’t talk. They have sunken somewhat into the sofa. Lights down)
SKATCH
This case here?
JANE
Yes. It’s very nice. What does it contain?
SKATCH
Now Jane, I’m not allowed to divulge that information.
JANE
I see.
SKATCH
I absolutely am not allowed to disclose that this briefcase contains detailed plans for Secret Operation: Screwball.
JANE
(making notes)
Operation Screwball.
SKATCH
Under no circumstances am I permitted to reveal that this humble satchel carries confidential documents that detail every aspect of a highly sensitive mission that could alter the course of the war, and determine the very fate of the western world.
JANE
That is interesting. We should go to a different room and discuss this further.
SKATCH
You betcha.
(they exit)
MARY
You’re certain you don’t want to snog?
MOUSEHOLE
Not at the moment. Would you care for a drink?
MARY
Would I care for a drink? HA! Does a pig have twelve tits?!
MOUSEHOLE
(pausing in thought)
I haven’t the foggiest notion...Stillwater!
(lights up on STILLWATER and GARBO)
STILLWATER
Yeah, what’s the trouble?
MOUSEHOLE
Does a pig have twelve tits?
STILLWATER
Uh huh. Yup, they sure do. A pig’s got twelve. A cow’s got four. And Garbo here’s got two of the durn things.
GARBO
(thoroughly offended)
Presumptuous man! And how would you know!?
STILLWATER
Well, I ain’t blind, am I?
GARBO
(boiling with anger)
I will not STAND HERE and be insulted!
STILLWATER
Alright. You’re free to sit down if you want to.
GARBO
You...You...AMERICAN!!!
(GARBO storms off. STILLWATER follows after)
STILLWATER
Hey! Garbo! Where ya goin’?! What’d I say?! Garbo!
MARY
Lucky sow. Wish I was her right now.
MOUSEHOLE
I don’t know, I’m rather enjoying myself.
(offering a drink)
Hot toddy?
MARY
You’re not so bad yourself, m’lord!
MOUSEHOLE
It’s the name of the drink.
MARY
Oh. Right.
MOUSEHOLE
Shall we retire to the billiard room?
MARY
Billiards?! HA! Does the queen piss in a gilded pot?
MOUSEHOLE
Aha! I know the answer to this one! The answer is yes! There is, as a matter of fact, a gilded pot.
MARY
After you, m’lord.
(they exit. Lights up on the whole stage to reveal JERSEY and LULU, now alone in the room, sitting dejectedly in awkward silence.)